Choke Your Chicken in a RoadPro Stove

"Stuff it, stuff it in! Take it all, Baby! Cram that fuckin' chicken in your hole, choke it!" I screamed as the whole bird slipped inta my RoadPro Stove.

Been surfing the web for 12 volt cooking food porn, then found THIS. Dirty sonofabitch had crammed that super-sized chicken into that hot hole ... Mmmm. He'd put the bird into an oven bag and stuffed it into his RoadPro Stove ALL THE WAY! After 2.5 hours a workin', that bitch was hot, greasy and meltin' off the bone! My tongue was on the floor!

Days later, Vanholio was in some grocery store and saw they was pimping'whole birds, seasoned, with bread stuffing inside, ready to go. I bought one, about 3 lbs. Put it in a bag (with a little flour and air hole in top, per instructions.)

Got that plump chick home and prepped her real good. Gawdammit, then I fisted her inta that RoadPro Stove hole. Baked her for ... well, a long damn time, like 5 or more hours. Don't know why it took so long, probably the stuffing. But DAMNNNNN!

RoadPro Stove Cooks It All!

Tender, so tender... So soft ... So satisfied ...

Las Chihuahas and I ate half the chicken and most a the stuffing right away. Now I've got the rest cold and waiting for sandwiches, eating straight, cooking with rice, whatever. Wow! Just wow!

Only complaint is that you don't get the brown, crispy skin of an oven-roasted chicken. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But seriously, ya gotta try it. Choke your chicken into your RoadPro Stove. Roast it for 2.5+ hours. Eat like a king – King of the Fuckin' Road!

---

Special Note – Vanholio wrote this post back in 2015. Lots changed since. One Chihuahua, The Gimp, has passed on. Vanholio's been usin' a Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. But the principle's the same, the advice's still good ta go!

---

---

Gettin' mail on the road? Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go
• Zero Cleanup Omelette? Boil in a Ziploc Bag
• Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices
• 12 Volt Appliances for Camping (Amazon.com)

Read More »

Ya'll Come on Down ta Pie Town!

White chocolate cherry pie, if the curiosity is killin' ya. Made by The Gatherin' Place in Pie Town, New Mexico – a town of three pie shops on US 60, and that's mostly all.

Well, there's also an RV park that allows tents. Hikers on the Continental Divide Trail like ta stay there ta rest, catch up on internet, and for a shower – and ta get mail and grub in town. That's pretty cool. But it does mean you might sit down by ripe hikers at a cafe. I did last year. It added a certain earthy perfume ta my eggs!

Oh, #vanlife folks: They got free campin' in the woodsy park on the south side with water and shitters. Decent Verizon signal, too.



Most famous place in town is the Pie-O-Neer Pies. Someone even made a documentary about it!

But The Gatherin' Place is Vanholio's preferred pie stop. Good food and free WiFi, too. They used to have killer barbecue, but no more, I lament.

Pie Town has been a center for badass pies for almost 100 years. In 1924, some guy name a Clyde Norman started a pie shop in this tiny ranching hamlet out middle a nowhere. Word got around, and folks started coming for pie from hundreds a miles. So they changed the name from whatever the hell it was before, 'cause it was good for business. Today, the tradition continues.

They got an annual pie festival, too. This year it's September 8, 2018. Might have the county rodeo same time. Not sure.

---

This manifesto was originally posted on Vanholio's Steemit blog.

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• 'Nomadland' – Book on the Dark Side of Vandwelling and US Capitalism
• 'People' Who Smear Their Shit Around Public Places
• Pie Lady of Pie Town (Documentary)
• History of Pies (What's Cooking America)

Read More »

Sproutin' Pinto Beans in the Van

Vicki at Gypsy Clipper's been learnin' Vanholio on vanlife sproutin'. Sprouted beans, grains, nuts, and veggies is easier ta digest, less farty, and more vitamin packed than dry. Real easy ta do, and cooks quicker, too!

This ain't just for hippie-dippies. Read what WebMD says about it!

How to Sprout in the Van – Super Easy!

Followin' Vicki's advice, here's what I did:

1. Got regular ol' bought-at-Walmart dried pinto beans.
2. Soaked 'em about 5 hours (4-6 recommended).
3. Drained 'em.
4. Tied 'em up in a t-shirt.*
5. Hung the t-shirt in a dark place in the van.
6. Got 'em out about 20 hours later.
7. Cooked as normal.

No big fuckin' deal! Tasted fine, too.

* BTW, it's that hangin' 'em in up in a cloth that makes it easy. Most sproutin' guides advise this setup with jars. Bad news for a van – takes up room, fussy, and fragile. Usin' a t-shirt, hitchhiker towel, bandanna, or whatever is so much fuckin' easier!

Gypsy Clipper Artisanal Food Operation

Vicki's inta all kindsa indoor farmin', sproutin', fermentin', and more shit in her van. Who knew ya could take all this homesteady stuff on the road! Hear what she says herself!

What's Next?

Vanholio's next vanlife foodie goal is bakin' homemade bread in a solar oven made from a windshield reflector. Stay tuned! (But it might be a while ...)

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• Curin' and Storin' Smoked Pork the Lazy Way
• Eat Your Weedies, Boys and Girls!
• Should You Sprout Your Grains, Nuts, and Legumes? (WebMD)
• Sprout People (Website)

Read More »

Curin' and Storin' Smoked Pork the Lazy Way

Nothin' Vanholio loves in his beans more than some smoked, cured pork – bacon, ham, hocks, tails, and the rest. Gives it that downhome flavor. Here's how he gets it on the vanlife road.

Why Can't Ya Just Buy Smoked Pork for Vanlife?

But goin' solo and livin' in a van, they's a problem. The smoked meats at Walmart and grocery stores is sold in too bigga packages, about as much as he uses over a month or two.

And most modern smoked meats ain't fully cured ta last without refrigeration. Instead, they got minimum salt so as ya don't have ta soak 'em first, like ya do with traditional cured meat.

So that leaves two choices: Get some kinda freezer set up to hold the extra or buy old-fashioned uncooked, cured pork.

Well, settin' up a freezer that'll be cold 'nough ta keep meat fresh for a couple months without goin' off or gettin' freezer burn, is easier said than done.

Buyin' old-fashioned smoked meats is an option. But it's expensive. And if I buy local, I gotta source the places (ain't many!) and adjust my travel plans to hit 'em. If I buy online, I got the smallish hassle a intersectin' their delivery ta my route.

So why not make it myself, I asked?

Salt Down Store-Bought Smoked Pork for Vanlife – Easy!

The how-to's I found online for curin' meat are all about startin' from scratch (like in the video below). Makes sense for sticks-n-bricks folks. But Vanholio ain't got much room, nor patience either.

Thought ta myself: Why the hell don't I just buy some at Walmart and pack it in salt? That's how it all started way back when!

That's just what I did! Bought a package a smoked pig tails, which are perfect size for one-person batches a beans. Broke 'em up into smaller pieces. Then packed 'em inta a plastic jug with coarse Kosher salt all around.

The salt keeps out bacteria and absorbs more moisture from the meat. It gets saltier and tougher, like the old-fashion kind.

Now, were I wantin' ta season vegetables, I'd need ta soak the tails overnight ta drive out the extra salt. But as I'm cookin' dry beans that take hours anyway, the tails salt my beans as they cook out. By the time the beans is soft and the meats fallin' off the bone, it's just about right.

No, it's better than right. It's damn well Heaven on Earth! Yum, yum!!!

Is Storin' Modern Smoked Pork in Salt Safe?

Well, I ain't makin' no guarantees. What I can tell ya is that I've had that pork salted over a month in the van, sometimes in temps up ta 90 F (32 C). The latest I pulled out smelled fresh, tasted fresh. (I nibbled a bit raw ta check). Cooked up delicious. I never got so much as a rumbly tummy nor the burps, let alone the trots.

It's your own call if ya wanna give it a whirl. Be smart. But it worked out just fine for Vanholio! Kicked up the quality a his vanlife cookin' a bigass notch!

Old-Fashion Cured Pork From Scratch

Interestin' video. Not how Vanholio does it (as you read above). Love the Townsends YouTube channel, BTW.

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• How to Get By With No Fridge or Cooler in the Van
• Chicken Gizzards, Hearts, and Rice
• How Do You Cook a Country Ham?
• Broadbent's: The Home of Award-Winning Smoked Country Foods (website)

Read More »

10 Amazin' Facts About the Creosote Bush

Vandwellers and others in the US Southwest and Mexico seen a lotta creosote bushes. Shit's all over the goddamn place!

Some other names for creosote bush are greasewood and chaparral. In Spanish, it's called gobernadora and hediondilla. Scientists and stuckup gardeners call it Larrea tridentata.

But here's 10 amazin' facts ya didn't know! Leastways, Vanholio didn't till he decided ta dig around and educate hisself.

1. Creosote bush ain't where creosote comes from!

Creosote is distilled from oil or wood tar. Creosote bush got its name 'cause it smells kinda like actual creosote, 'specially when it rains. Pungent! That's why some Mexicans call it hediondilla, which means "little stinker."

2. Native Americans and others use it for medicine.

Ethnobotanist Gary Nabhan found Native Americans usin' creosote bush for at least 14 different ailments: colds, chest infections or lung congestion, intestinal discomfort (includin' worms), stomach cramps associated with delayed menstruation, consumption, cancer, nausea, wounds, poisons, swollen limbs due to poor circulation, dandruff, body odor, distemper, and postnasal drip. Today, the essential oils are sold online for all these purposes and more – even sunscreen! Not sayin' they work, but not sayin' they don't. Buyer beware!

Photo of creosote bush medicinal tea by Big Bend State Ranch volunteer Gary Norad (Public Domain)

3. Creosote bush oil might stop cancer!

NDGA (nordihydroguaiaretic acid) is an antioxidant that some studies have shown to slow or stop cancer growth. Tons a that shit in creosote bush oils! Other studies have shown NDGA to increase lifespan in mice and mosquitoes (like that's a good thing!). Yet other studies contradict, and scientists are concerned NDGA causes kidney damage. So stay tuned and don't start drinkin' the creosote bush Kool Aid yet.

4. Native Americans used creosote bush ash for tattoos.

Creosote bush's got lotsa other traditional uses, as you can imagine, from roof thatching to firewood. But here's the coolest in Vanholio's estimation: It burns down to a blue-green ash that was used as a colorbase for tattoo ink.

5. Creosote bush King Clone might be the oldest living thing on Earth.

Creosote bushes can clone themselves. Basically, a bush's inner stems die, and it's outer ones keep thriving. This starts an expandin' circle of clone bush, kinda like how ringworm does. It's called a "clone colony." The oldest one known is King Clone in the Mohave Desert in California. Ol' King Clone is estimated at 11,700 years old and has a 67 foot (20 meter) max diameter. If ya consider a bunch a clones the same as one original thing, then it's the oldest alive.

King Clone, the 11,700-year-old creosote bush ring in the Mojave Desert by Grant Klokeid (Public Domain)

6. It's found in all three major Southwestern US deserts.

Creosote bushes are a common shrub in the Mohave, Sonoran, and Chihuahuan desert. They're found in Nevada, Utah, California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. Lots in Mexico, too.

7. Creosote bushes survive because they taste bad and go down hard.

Well, in truth they got other survival features, too. But tastin' bad helps keep the grazers away! All kinds a critters'll nibble, but they won't eat much. And when they do, the leaves cause a tummy ache and pass rough. Only one known creature can fully digest creosote bush leaves, and that's the creosote grasshopper, genus Astroma.

How can somethin' so pretty taste so bad? Photo by Eric in SF (CC BY-SA 3.0)

8. Creosote lac bugs make great glue!

Even today, Native Americans'll gather up a bunch a creosote bush lac bugs, Tarcardiella larrea. They'll crush 'em and boil 'em down to get the reddish-brown lac. This lac has been used as a glue for all kindsa things: fixin' arrowheads ta shafts, fixin' broken pottery, sealin' stored jar lids … Hell, in recent times, it's even been used ta fix cracked engine blocks! It's like nature's Super Glue.

9. Tons a creosote bush is a sign a degraded range.

In the Chihuahuan desert at least, there was much less creosote bush and mesquite 100-150 years ago, and much more grass. Scientists think overgrazin' and fewer natural bush fires is the reason' the creosote bush and mesquite have taken over.

Typical degraded range in southern New Mexico with lots and lots a creosote bush

10. Creosote bush is a newcomer to the US Southwest.

Scientists think creosote bushes started inta the Lower Colorado River area about 17,000 years ago. Then at the end of the last Ice Age, they started movin' up inta the Mojave Desert, then inta the Sonoran, arrivin' in the Chihuahuan Desert only about 4500 years ago.

Refs & Read Mores

Allison, C. D., & Ashcroft, N. (2011, November). New Mexico range plants. New Mexico State University College of Agricultural, Consumer and Environmental Sciences (ACES). Retrieved March 15, 2018, from http://aces.nmsu.edu/pubs/_circulars/CR374

Creosote. (2018, March 07). Wikipedia. Retrieved March 16, 2018, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creosote

Curran, K. (n.d.). Creosote bush uses: medicinal and otherwise. EthnoHerbalist. Retrieved March 15, 2018, from http://www.ethnoherbalist.com/southern-california-native-plants-medicinal/creosote-bush-uses

Cutler, S. M. (n.d.). Biology/creosotebush vs. creosote grasshopper. Desert Diary. Retrieved March 16, 2018, from http://museum2.utep.edu/archive/biology/DDcreohopper.htm

King Clone. (2018, February 17). Wikipedia. Retrieved March 16, 2018, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Clone

Larrea tridentata. (2018, February 28). Wikipedia.Retrieved March 16, 2018, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larrea_tridentata

Little, W. J. (2012). A Sonoran Desert scrapbook: some desert plants of Kino Bay and vicinity [Google Books preview]. Indianapolis, IN: Dog Ear Publishing. Retrieved March 15, 2018, from https://books.google.com/books?id=zCpruKm8aWoC

---

This article was originally posted on my Steemit.com account.

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• Eat Your Weedies, Boys and Girls!
• 'Eat Algae Nonfood' They Said. And I Did!
• Eat the Weeds (website)
• EthnoHerbalist (website)

Read More »

Use Windshield Reflector to Save Cooking Time, Energy

Little vanlife tip ta make your boilin' more efficient: A reflector bounces back radiant heat and creates dead air space to reduce convection heat loss.

Don't matter what kinda stove ya use. Principle's the same.

That's why they sell aluminum heat reflectors for backpacking stoves. Same damn idea.

Only in this case, Vanholio's usin' his side window reflectors for the purpose. Ya could use aluminium foil or a piece a Reflectix, too. Don't fuckin' matter, so long as it reflects.

And Vanholio's cookin' in his 12v electric Max Burton Digital Stove to Go instead a some kinda gas stove. But energy's energy, and time's time.

Ain't much more ta say on this notion. The proof's in the puddin'. But the fellow in this here video proves it works like a real goddamn scientist.

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go
• Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices
• Reflectix Insulation in Vans Done Right
• The Relationship Between Heat Transfer and Cooking (Webrestaurant Store Blog)

Read More »

Don't Cook Ramen Noodles, Soak 'Em Cold!

Summer'll come a broilin', and a poor vandweller asks hisself: “Must I cook these instant ramens?” No, actually. Soak ‘em and make cool salads like these! (See more great ideas in my YouTube Ramen! playlist.)

Soak Your Noodles 'Bout an Hour

Turns out instant noodles, like your cheap-ass Maruchan and Nissin ramen packets, are already cooked. They’re dried by frying. Ya just need to hydrate them.

I just break mine up and soak ‘em in my Big Bubba Mug for about an hour, more or less. Mostly, I just set ‘em aside and come back awhile later.

They set up just fine, good texture. Of your cheap noodles, I think Maruchan has better mouthfeel than Nissin when just soaked. (BTW, Vanholio tried the same thing with regular pasta. Turns to mush).

Three Ramen Salad 'Recipes'

Not going to give ya a bunch a proper recipes. Vanholia don’t do that shit. But here’s three ramen noodle salads I made, just for inspirationals.

1. Ramen With Vinaigrette Slaw and Chicken

This was my first evil experiment. I had confetti slaw on hand – that’s bagged slaw mix, made with broccoli stems, cabbage, carrots, etc., but sans dressing. And Walmart had canned chicken breast on sale. My rusty old brain wheels turned.

Soaked the noodles with the juice from the canned chicken and more water, plus canola oil, garlic salt, Tapatio hot sauce, and apple cider vinegar to make a vinaigrette. I don’t know exactly how much of anything – winged it.

Buy at Amazon.com

After the noodles were soft, mixed 'em in two quart-size, Ziplock-type bags with chopped onion, the slaw veggies, and the canned chicken. Two delicious meals!

2. Ramen With Three Bean Salad

I soaked the ramen with the juice from a can a three bean salad, garlic salt, dried fried onions, and vegetarian bacon bits.

After the noodles got soft, I just mixed in the beans. Awesome! And you’ll notice it’s all from dry goods.

3. Ramen With Mayo and Egg

This was basically macaroni salad with added egg.

After hydrating the instant noodles for an hour or so in my Big Bubba Mug, I drained off the extra water. Then I added garlic salt, lotsa mayo, and two hard-boiled eggs.

Just kinda crumbled the eggs in there with my hands, then broke it up more with a fork. Mixed everythin' all around.

Good shit. Stuffed me like a Christmas goose!

What Ramen Salads Are in Your Brain?

Those are just three ideas Vanholio had and liked. You could do just about anythin'. What would you make? Comment below. And see more great ideas in my YouTube Ramen! playlist.

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• RoadPro Stove Secrets – Hard Boiled Eggs
• Eating Roadkill Rabbit Down by the River
• Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (Amazon.com)
• The Top Five Reasons Why Ramen Noodles Are Tasty Little Death Traps (Westword)

Read More »

Chicken Gizzards, Hearts, and Rice

Today, Vanholio didn't do shit but cook up some chicken gizzards, hearts, and rice. Sound gross to you? Well, you don't know what's good! Try this recipe.

You Eaten Gizzards Plenty!

Besides, if you been eatin' chicken, I guarantee you been eatin' gizzards and hearts. Probably ground up into sausage-type things. Maybe nuggets.

Gizzards and hearts and nothin' but strong, active muscles. No nasty organ flavor.

And like all tough muscles, they's best stewed slow to break up the collagen inta gelatin, makin' it mouth tender. Ain't nothin' to it!

AND they're fuckin' cheap! Got a 3/4 of a pound for $1.02! That means 2 meals, at least, for less than $2 total!

Vanholio's Recipe, As Such

OK, now let me say right off that Vanholio don't normally use recipes nor provide them. He's been cookin' since he was tall 'nough ta see the top a the stove. He learned by experimentin' and watchin' cookin' shows. So now it's all by feel.

But I'll do my best. Here goes …

I put the gizzards and hearts in my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go, added a chopped onion, two chicken-herb bullion cubes, a handful a Auguson Farms Vegetable Stew Blend, and covered with water. Set the stove ta heat and let 'er rip for about 3 hours.

Then I added a tad more water, a tablespoon or more of Old Bay Seasoning, canola oil for fat and ta prevent boilin' over, and dry white rice. How much a all that? Not sure. Eyeballed it.

After another hour, she were done. Tender chicken. Flavorful rice. Full bellies for Vanholio and Ms. Barkley.

It ain't hard. It ain't expensive. And it sure is good. Ain't nothin' weird 'bout eatin' gizzards and hearts, no siree!

---

Get mail on the road – Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go
• Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices
• What Makes Meat Juicy and Tender? (Science of Meat)
• 10 Best Chicken Gizzard Recipes (Yummly)

Read More »

Made This Egg Salad Sandwich for ZERO DOLLARS, ZERO MESS!

Two things to tell: 1. How to make a vanlife egg salad sandwich without no mess, and 2. How this particular sandwich's fixins cost me absolutely nothin'.

How to Make an Egg Salad Sandwich in the Van

Well, you *could* make it the usual way, in a bowl. But then you have to clean that shit out. No, this is better. Vanholio makes his up in a Ziploc bag!

1. Gather your fixins. I usually do about 3 hard boiled eggs to 2 packets of mayo. Makes 2 sandwiches. But go to your taste.

2. Put the fixins in the bag. Zip it closed so there ain't much air in there.Then gently work with your finders til ya get it as pasty as you like. Treat that huevo sack like it was your own, so as you don't pop it!

3. Cut or bite off one corner of the Ziploc. Then squeeze out the egg salad like it's frosting.

When you're done, just throw out the bag. Ain't hardly no cleanup, unless you made a mess with the eggshells.

How I Got These Egg Salad Fixins for FREE

Vanholio's been gettin' extra thrifty lately. It's that or get a real job ...

One thing I took up is usin' coupon apps on my smartphone. Two I tried so far and like are Coupons.com's app and Ibotta. Both let ya save digital coupons in the app. Then you redeem them by takin' a photo of your receipts.

(BTW, use this link to sign up for Ibotta, and you get a $10 signup bonus. Plus Vanholio gets a kickback. Or use this code when you sign up through the app: BTYJBXW)

They both got lots a good manufacturer coupons at Walmart and a ton a other grocery chains. But they also both got coupons on generic goods, like eggs, fruits and veggies, bread, etc.

Last week, Coupons.com had two generic Walmart coupons. One was for up to $2.50 in free eggs. I got 18 large eggs free. The other coupon was for $2.00 off any brand a sliced bread. I found a loaf a Walmart multigrain for $1.98, so that was free.

While I was there, I picked up two free mayo packets from the deli. I usually use mayo packets from Walmart or convenience stores so I don't have to worry about refridgeratin' a big jar.

Eggs, bread, and mayo all FREE! Well, I guess that Ziplock and season salt I used cost some, but I aint' complainin' none, I tell you what.

Also See ...

• 21 Cheap and Cash-Free Food Sources
• Mix Peanut Butter in Your Ramen – No Seriously!
• Negadollar Nomad (Twitter blog)
• The 7 Best Coupon Apps Right Now (HuffPost)

Read More »

'Eat Algae Nonfood' They Said. And I Did!

Check this shit out! The prototype non/food nonbar is our science fiction future today! It's compressed, flavored algae. Yes, algae! Damn good, too! But what does it taste like...?

Well, I can't rightly say! It's kinda like when you try a new tropical fruit. I mean, what the fuck does guava taste like? It don't taste like nothin' but guava.

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

Flavor meister Sean Raspet intentionally made it taste one of a kind. Here's how it's described on the non/food website, eatnonfood.com:

Starts out leafy and green. A clean floral and honey middle with hints of citrus and vanilla. Savory base with nutty and roasted nuances.

There ya go! Can't say it much better than that. But a friend sampled mine and compared it to eatin' raw cocoa, the kind that's an unsweetened paste. Which ain't nothin' like Hershey's.

If Vanholio's got one complaint, it's the texture. Too smooth. It kinda paints to your teeth. I'd like it more chewy or crunchy or somethin'.

BTW, had no digestive complaints from eatin' my nonbar. Was kinda worried 'bout that after Soylent dropped algae oil as an ingredient when some folks got the runs. But nope, did my body good.

Don't know if the nonbar'll catch on, but I kinda hope it does. It's perfect for vandwellers, backpackers, travelers, or anyone who wants a super-nutritious, high-protein food that packs small and light.

Cool, too, to see a product introducin' algae as food. 'Cause that's the future.

As Earth cooks and population rises, algae is gonna be on the menu. Along with a bunch a other new foods. Check out this video below on 10 foods we'll probably be eatin' in the future.

Also See ...

• Eat Your Weedies Boys and Girls!
• Eatin' Roadkill Rabbit – Yum, Yum!
• Algae Is the Superfood of the Future (Business Insider)
• Algae Basics: Benefits (All About Algae)

Read More »

Mix Peanut Butter in Your Ramen – No Seriously!

Think chocolate and peanut butter are the fuckin' bomb? Then you’ll L-O-V-E hot ramen noodles mixed with PB. It’s cheap, fillin', nutritious, and delicious!

Instant ramen and peanut butter are the perfect combination for the vandweller, or any broke-ass, lazy motherfucker. Sound weird? If you’ve ever had Thai food, you’ll know that peanut butter in a savory dish is fuckin' awesome. Even better spicy!

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

How to Make Peanut Butter Ramen

1. Boil water. Vanholio uses two 12 volt water boilers.
2. Put  in your huge bowl or Big Bubba insulated mug:
1. 2 ramen noodle blocks, broken into pieces to fit
2. 1 ramen noodle seasoning packet (2 if you like it salty)
3. Big glob (~3 T) of peanut butter
4. Optional: add meat, dried veggies, boiled egg, or spices.
3. Carefully pour in hot water.
4. Cover with cap and gently shake to mix ingredients.
5. Wait 3-5 minutes.
6. Dig in!

This makes a hearty, 1100+ calorie meal that sticks to your ribs and warms your toes. And the cost of the noodles and peanut butter is only about $0.75!

Fuck 'Unhealthy'!

Now, some asshole out there is gonna to tell me that instant ramen ain’t good for you. There’s some pseudoscience bullshit making the rounds about how it don’t break down in your gut like fresh ramen, etc., etc. That’s a bunch of conspiracy crap. Of course it don't! The instant kinds are fried! Fat takes longer to digest.

Americans are just paranoid about food, food companies, and The Man. Sometimes that paranoia is misplaced, and this is one a them times.

True, instant ramen is white, enriched flour lightly fried in saturated plant fat (usually palm oil). Too much of that ain't as good for you as, say brown rice or kale (yuck!). Whole foods is always healthier. Duh!

But you can’t tell me that most restaurant or packaged foods – at 10X the price! – are any better than Vanholio’s magic recipe. This combo is a good balance of protein, carbs, and a mainly plant fats. By using one broth packet instead of two, the salt won’t pickle you. Add some veggies to round it out, or drink a V8. Then eat a goddamn apple for dessert. And stop worryin' so fuckin' much.

Instant ramen noodles and peanut butter is Vanholio’s go-to meal – easy to make, easy to clean up, filling, nutritious, tasty, and completely satisfying. Try it. Fall in love again.

Here's a hot chick cooking a fancier version of ramen and peanut butter with soy sauce and Sriracha hot sauce.

 

Also See ...

• How to Get By With No Fridge or Cooler in the Van
• Zero Cleanup Omelette? Boil in a Ziploc Bag
• Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (book)
• The History of the Ramen Noodle (The New Yorker)

Read More »

Eatin' Roadkill Rabbit – Yum, Yum!

You'll be eating plenty of roadkill rabbit when you’re living in a van down by the river. Vanholio knows: I am, I do.

OK, I’m a fuckin' liar. I’m actually camped by a small lake. And I just ate roadkill rabbit for the first time last night.* Better'n pussy! Tasted like turkey!

Here’s the thing: Vanholio needs to save dinero on dinners. And he wants to help out the earth. You know, that whole Global Warming thing. Foraging kills two birds with one stone.

Now, another vandweller might start by pussyfootin' around. Say, start by pickin' wild berries. But Vanholio always dives in dick first!

I been seeing lots of roadkill in Colorado this last week. So I looked up some basics on how to eat roadkill. There’s some laws to know about roadkill cuisine, too.

What I cook with these days

Then yesterday morning, picked up my first roadkill rabbit. He was barely stiff, a bit warm, had clear eyes and fleas, and looked to have been killed by a head injury. He weren’t pulped neither.

After butchering, I spiced and wrapped him in foil with potato and onion pieces. Then I baked him about three hours in my RoadPro Stove.** Perfection!

Las Chihuahuas – Ms. Barkley and The Gimp*** – loved that baked rabbit, too! Yum, yum, yum!

Oh, yeah. While the rabbit was cookin', I called the local Colorado game warden. Turns out I shoulda called him first to inspect the rabbit and issue me a tag. But the warden didn’t hassle me, decided I was working in good faith. Next time I’ll do it right.

I’m hoping to find a damn deer or elk soon. Then I’ll be making enough jerky to last months!

Eaten Roadkill Since That First Rabbit?

Nope. I tried once with a porcupine, but ruined the meat in the butcherin' process.

Turns out it's actually hard to find good roadkill. If the weather's gettin' warm, ya gotta find it early in the mornin'. And it's gotta be killt right, without the guts explodin'. And ya gotta be in the position to make use pretty damn quick.

I swear on a stack a Bibles, I run inta three good deer. But they was always at a time I couldn't pick 'em up for one reason or other.

I've concluded that with roadkill, like anythin' else, TANSTAAFL applies. For regular supply, ya gotta work a mornin' route, payin' especially close attention to where the game tends to cross. As a van life nomad who goes all over all the time, that ain't easy. Maybe work better if I settle in an area for a bit.

---

* Actually, this Road Tale is from March 2016. Except that bottom section under the subhead.

** These days I'm usin' a Max Burton Digital Stove to Go.

*** The Gimp has since passed on. :-(

---

Gettin' mail on the road? Traveling Mailbox! (review)

---

Also See ...

• 21 Cheap and Cash-Free Food Sources
• TANSTAAFL (Literally!)
• West Virginia Roadkill Cook-Off (Facebook)
• Is It OK to Eat Roadkill? It's Now Legal in More States (Newsweek)

Read More »

How to Get By With No Fridge or Cooler in the Van

I ain't never found no need to keep food cool on the road. So, yeah, my van life ain't got no refrigeration or ice chest. Tell you why, and how I gets by ...

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

10 Reasons My Van Don't Need No Fridge

1. Cost – Your propane fridges cost propane money. Your electric fridges cost power budget, especially on solar. Your ice chests cost ice money.


2. Space – Vanholio's got a tiny van, so anything bulky better be worth it. A chiller ain't.


3. Simple Food – Don't cook much on the road. Mostly, I eat trail mix, Soylent, cheese sticks, fruit, peanut butter, tortillas, shit like that. Don't need a cold pantry.


4. Many Store Trips – I'm in and outta grocery and convenience stores every few days. Don't need keep a big stock cool.


5. Immediate Cooking – When I get somethin' real perishable, like meat, I cook it right away. Hell, I might get a pot goin' in my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go right in the parking lot!


6. Dry Goods – Vanholio never knows when the mood to cook is gonna strike. So most food I keep around is dry goods, like rice, dried veggies, and canned soup.


7. Refrigeration Overrated – Lots a "perishables," like fruit, vegetables, eggs, butter, and cheese, don't necessarily need to be kept all that cool. Fresh eggs'll last a week or so! I buy cheese sticks, and they do fine without chillin' for a week or more, too.


8. Lazy Cooling – Know what I do with those cheese sticks when it's hot weather? I wrap them in a wet towel, and tuck the bunch under my bed by the water jugs. That keeps them from gettin' that greasy sweat.


9. Condiment Packets – Your laziest bachelor uses his fridge mainly for beer and condiments. But Vanholio uses packets of condiments – including mayo! – that he swipes from convenience stores.


10. No Cold Beer – The No. 1 argument for havin' a chiller in the van is cold beer on hand. But Vanholio ain't a daily drinker. And when he does beer, a chilled 6 pack from the store don't last long enough to get warm.

Any Downsides to Van Life With No Fridge or Cooler?

Yeah, Vanholio does have one regret about not havin' a cooler or whatever in the van. That's not havin' ice on hand. See, he likes a huge jug a ice coffee to sip from all day. Mostly, I just get free ice from a convenience store. But when I'm boondockin' for a couple days or more, then it's ice-less van life sufferin'. May get a compact ice maker soon, just for the drinks.

Also See ...

• "Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go"
• "Don't Cook Ramen Noodles, Soak 'Em Cold!"
• "What Foods Don't I Need to Refrigerate?" (Lifehacker)
• "Making Ice On-the-Go" (MinivanCamper.info)

Read More »

21 Cheap and Cash-Free Food Sources

How can a vandweller stretch their food budget? By exploiting ALL the fuckin' resources in their damn environment, like a nomad. Here are 21 alternative food sources (in no particular order.)

1. Gleaning – Farmers will sometimes let you forage after the harvest for food left in the field.

2. Hunting/Fishing/Trapping – Many states have free or cheap education programs to teach you how. Licenses are usually much goddamn cheaper for state residents.

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

3. Wild Foraging – Learn to gather wild plant and non-game animal foods. Check local laws. National forests rock for this! (See eattheweeds.com)

4. Urban Foraging – Produce from domesticated plants in yards are often let to rot, e.g., apples, mulberries, and pecans. This happens everywhere from the inner cities to abandoned farmlands. Don’t let that food rot like every other dipwad!

5. Roadkill – Gatherin' roadkill is legal in most states, and there’s lots of info online about how to do this smart'n safe. Vanholio's done eaten roadkill hisself!

6. Charity/Entitlements – If you’re truly hard up, try soup kitchens, food pantries, food stamps (EBT), even beggin'. Fuck pride!

7. Events – Some organizations, especially churches, will give you free food to hear their pitch. You don’t need to come to Jeezus after!

8. Gardening – Can you participate in a community garden? Do you have friends or relatives who’ll let you garden in their yard? Grow your own!

9. Guerrilla Gardening – Why not garden on a vacant lot? In that bit of grass behind a warehouse? On the sly, you can also care for already growing trees and plants, domesticated and wild, to produce a better harvest.

10. Intentional Communities – Many intentional communities farm. See if you can help with the harvest for room and board, and for some food to take with you. If you want to garden or farm yourself, this is a great way to learn. You might even make friends.

11. Dumpster Diving – Business and households all over the country throw out megatons of food. It's fucking shameful. But their asswipery is your gold. Lots of info on the web.

12. Surplus Food – Ask restaurants, bakeries, donut shops, grocery stores, etc. for food they’re going to throw out. Get it before the dumpster does.

13. Party Leftovers – Don’t be shy about taking leftovers from parties and other events at work, friends’ houses, church, wherever.

14. Grocery Stores – Default option. Look for generics, sales, and clearances.

15. Big Box Stores – Stock up on bulk staples, if you have room to carry them.

16. Ethnic Grocers – Indian and East Asian grocery stores often have amazing deals and cheap, fresh vegetables.

17. Farmers’ Markets – These aren’t always cheaper, and sometimes the “local” produce is really off the wholesale truck. But it’s worth looking. Some states have programs for SNAP to get 2-for-1 on fresh produce at farmers' markets!

18. Farmer Direct – Buy fresh eggs and produce from side of the road. Consider buying meat, even a whole animals direct; you can always dry excess meat into jerky over a campfire.

19. Samples – Visit food stores on the days they have free samples, then fill up!

20. Scamming – Lots of info online about how to scam restaurants into giving you free meals. Just saying …

21. Mooching – You *can* always mooch meals off your friends and family. At least till they get tired of you.

How’s that for a goddamn list of alternative food sources?! Vanholio miss any?

Also See ...

• Eating Roadkill Rabbit Down by the River
• Dumpster Diving: A Travel Strategy for Free Food (Vagabond Journey)
• Falling Fruit (worldwide map of wild harvests)

Read More »

Zero Cleanup Omelette? Boil in a Ziploc Bag

The problem with cookin' scrambled eggs on the go is cleanup of your mixin' bowl and pan. The boil-in-bag method gets around that! Perfect for van life or trucking.

Vanholio's made hisself omelette's this way sittin' on the edge a his bed in the van – without no mess. Real convenient in tight spaces.

---

WARNING: Cooking in Ziplocs might not be safe.

---

How to Cook an Omelette in a Ziploc Bag

1. Gather your ingredients.

Eggs, etc. added to Ziploc

In this case, I did 2 eggs per bag, a piece a cheddar, season salt, and bacon bits. The fake bacon bits suck up some egg juice and add a salty, umami flavor. I don't add no water nor milk.

2. Put eggs and extras into the bag, then zip shut.

With a bit a finesse, Vanholio can crack an egg, then pour it inta the bag without spillin'. Get everything in there. Then zip it shut without much air. That's important 'cause what air's in there'll expand during cooking. Don't wanna pop that bag!

Eggs, etc. mixed up in Ziploc

3. Gently mix up your eggs.

You don't wanna bust your Ziploc. So massage that huevo sack like you would your own (or someone's you love). Gentle, gentle, gentle, until they're all scrambled.

4. Put Ziploc in pot of water and boil.

Ziplocs of eggs ready to boil in
Max Burton Portable Stove to Go

Vanholio uses his Max Burton Portable Stove to Go. I put the bags in a pot a cold water, shut the stove up, and set it to 250° F (. 'Bout the time the water's boilin', the eggs're done. You could also get water boilin', then put in the bags a eggs.

5. Shake the eggs outta the Ziploc to serve.

The omelette don't stick none to the plastic. That makes it easy.

Is Cooking an Omelette in a Ziploc as Good as Pan Frying?

No, not quite. But it ain't half bad, neither. You miss some flavor and consistency from pan fryin', but there's no funky plastic taste. Better than most restaurant eggs, IMHO. It's a van life winner.

Is Boiling Eggs in a Ziploc Bag Safe?

That warnin' at top got ya worried? Well, you can always use them pricey oven bags or the new Ziploc Zip ‘N Steam Cooking Bags. Or else go back to usin' a pan. But Vanholio ain't personally worried none (which maybe ain't too smart, but there it is).

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

RoadPro Stove Secrets – Hard Boiled Eggs

Cooking Without Pots or Pans (Eat the Weeds)
Best Ziploc Bag Camping Recipes

Read More »

Recipe: Noodly Peanut Chicken Sausage Gumbo

Even a blind hog gets an acorn once in awhile! Even when Vanholio's the blind hog. Even when he roots out groceries at Family Dollar! Easy, tasty, cheap!

It's a real simple recipe, makes 2-3 servings:

• 2 packets chicken ramen noodles
• 1 2-serving can Campbell's Chunky Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo
• 3-4 TBS crunchy peanut butter
• 1 can water

I ripped open two packets chicken ramen. Then I broke up the noodle blocks into the pan of my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. I sprinkled in just 1 of the chicken seasonin' packets (savin' the other for rice maybe.)

Then I poured in the can a Campbell's Chunky Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo. I filled the empty can with water and poured that in after, getting all the stuck bits out.

Finally, I dumped in a couple good globs a crunchy peanut butter. I'd say about 3-4 TBS.

I plugged in the Max Burton Digital Stove to Go and set it to Heat for … shit, I don't know. Maybe 30-45 minutes? I just checked the readout. When it got to about 230 F, I checked the stew. The noodles was swelled and all was simmerin'. 'Course, I stirred it around to make sure the peanut butter got spread out in the stock, makin' a African-style gravy.

Damn! – Rich! Fillin'! Meaty! Spicy! My only complaint was the dogs beggin' for extra shares.

Maybe Vanholio should start a cookin' show on YouTube called "Dollar Store Cookin'." Waddya think?

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

Ramen and Peanut Butter Good as Sex

Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (book @ Amazon.com)

Read More »

Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

Vanholio’s trusty old RoadPro Stove finally died after 2 years. But no worries! He’s love, love, lovin’ his new 12v Digital Stove to Go by Max Burton. It beats out the RoadPro by a mile! Here’s a review with 10 reasons why …

10 Reasons to Buy a Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

1. Adjustable Cookin’ Temps

The Max Burton has 2 modes: Heat and Temp. Heat mode just keeps pumpin’ juice till the temp gets to a roasty 350° F (177° C). Temp mode, though, lets you set the final temperature to one of 11 settings, from 100-350° F (38-177° C). And the digital display shows you the current temp inside. Meanwhile, the RoadPro just has one temp, 300° F (149° C), and their ain’t nothing to tell you how hot it is presently.

2. Better Shell

I’ll say it: The RoadPro Stove’s plastic lunchbox shell is a bit flimsy. Well, what do ya expect for about $35! And the Max Burton better be better at $70 – and it is. The plastic clamshell’s round edges and superior cover latch’ll hold up more over the long haul.

3. Vertical Design

The RoadPro is more flattish, which ain’t good for soupy things and cookin’ rice while drivin’, or even parked on an angle. Look at the non-stick pan in the photo at top. It’s mainly vertical, so shit won’t slosh around so much. Only thing vertical is worse for is bakin’ a pan a biscuits.

Buy at Amazon.com

4. Raised Feet

On bottom, the Max Burton’s got little feet that raise it half-inch or so. That helps keep from burnin’ your van floor, or wherever you got this thing stuck. The RoadPro is flat on bottom and tends to heat up where it sits.

5. Auto Safety Off

It don’t say nothin’ about this in the user manual, but I discovered it myself. Vanholio had his Max Burton in a tight spot. After startin’ to heat up a bit, it’d turn itself off. Then it worked in a more open spot. Obvious then, it turns itself off if the components get too hot. Better than startin’ a fire!

6. Non-Stick Pan

The Max Burton’s pan is removable for washin’ and non-stick inside. The RoadPro ain’t got no pan included, so you end up havin’ to buy tiny aluminum bread pans.

7. Large Volume

That non-stick pan is 1.5L in volume (a bit more than 6C). Vanholio’s made him enough stew at one go for 2 hefty meals!

8. Steamer/Warmer Tray

Wanna steam your veggies? Maybe warm some tortillas while your beans finish up? Easy. The Digital Stove to Go comes with a fitted steamer/warmer tray, as shown in the photo at top.

9. On-Off Button

Done cookin’ and can’t reach to pull out the 12v plug while drivin’? No problem. Just hit the handy on-off button.

10. 2 Spare Fuses Included

Higher-Amp 12v devices like these are known to pop a fuse now and then. No problem! The Max Burton Digital Stove to Go comes with 2 extra 20A glass fuses. Replacin’ them is easy, too: Just unscrew the 12v plug.

Downside to Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

The one downside to the Max Burton (hell, even the RoadPro Stove) is that it pulls a lot of Amps. Up to 12 or more at times! In some vehicles, that overwhelms the 12v socket's wires and fuses. You'll see that's the No. 1 complaint in the Amazon.com reviews. Or at least, the cause of it.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices
Choke Your Chicken in a RoadPro Stove
12 Volt Cooking (website)

Read More »