TANSTAAFL (Literally!)

“There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch” (TANSTAAFL). When it comes to gettin’ grub, it’s literally goddamn true. So I been learnin’ all over again.

Everything Costs Cash or Time (or Both)

See, the idea of TANSTAAFL is that everything costs you something. If it don’t cost you cash, it costs you time, including time you coulda been doing something else. Like earning cash. It’s Econ 101. Even a handout costs you time and maybe dignity and opportunities.

Some time ago, I posted my ideas for "21 Alternative Food Sources". As I’ve been trying out some of them, I find that even cashless ones cost me fuckloads of time and hassle. Not one of them is truly free.

Even Roadkill Ain’t Free!

Not even eating roadkill is free! First off, in some states, you gotta pay a tag fee to the wildlife LEOs. But even if you don’t need to (or don’t tell ‘em), it takes time to find the critter and time to butcher and cook it.

As it turns out, good roadkill ain’t even that damn easy to find. I been all over this here USA, and I only occasionally run into something good (ba-dum-dump). The critters mostly cross roads at certain places, and you gotta know them places. They have to been killt just the right way, best a knock in the noggin. And in summer, you gotta get ‘em early before they get to be too hot and rotted.

To get enough roadkill, you gotta put time and gas into a route. That don’t work so well with van travel.

Dumpster Divin’ Ain’t a Cornucopia

I looked in a few dumpsters. Nothin’. The best dumpster diving is in bigger towns (which Vanholio avoids like Sodom and Gomorrah). Then you gotta know the good dumpsters and which days and times they get chucked in. Finally, you gotta wrap all that info into a night-time route. And since Vanholio boondocks outside towns, it ain’t his plan.

Foraging Is Hard Work, Hard Eatin'

Even gleaning nature takes a lotta work. You gotta be where and when the plants and critters are ready. You gotta walk all over and gather ‘em. And most natural plant foods take shit-tons a effort to process to where they’re tasty and edible. The Native Americans planned their yearly travels all around the food, at least the nomadic ones.

I Could Go On!

Anywhoo, I could give you more examples. The point is that getting food any which way is gonna take you cash or work. No gettin’ around it. TANSTAAFL. ‘Course for you, cash might be a problem while time ain’t. Or you might have principled reasons to go cashless. I fucking respect that. Naturally, some strategies take more cash or effort than others. Plan as appropriate.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See …

Eating Roadkill Rabbit Down by the River
Vanholio’s 21 Alternative Food Sources
Dumpster Diving: A Travel Strategy for Free Food (TravelBlogs)

Read More »

Ultimate Van Life Music Playlist

If you ever seen “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka,” you know that every hero needs some theme music. Vandwellers got this here YouTube list of 22! Lock and load, hit the road!

Many thanks to redditor sewersucker, who curated this YouTube mega-songlist of “vanlife related musics” from /r/vandwellers contributors. Now were a-rockin’ in our vans down by the river.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Podcasts for the Van Living Lifestyle
Top 10 Biker Songs (Ultimate Classic Rock)
The Best Ever Travelling Music Playlist! (The Travel Affair)

Read More »

Patriotism, Like Love, Is a Goddamn Mess

How does Vanholio feel about July 4 Independence Day and the USA? Well, let’s just say it’s complicated. But not nearly as much as for U.S. Native Americans. Yet many are patriots! What’s the fucking lesson here!?

Native Americans Got Grievances

First off, most of their ancestors didn’t want to be part of the USA. Hell, most of their ancestors were probably killed off by U.S. soldiers and settlers.

Click me

One of the reasons the colonies declared independence was to be able to kill injuns and take their land (before they killed "us," they thought). Read the fucking “Declaration of Independence” if you don’t believe me!

Those Native Americans that survived Manifest Destiny were forced onto reservations, starved, had their kids sent to boarding schools and forbidden to speak their language, and even their religions were outlawed.

Things are better than that today. But Native Americans are still one of the most fucked-over minorities in this country. Don’t believe me? Go drive around a few reservations.

Yet Native Americans Celebrate July 4

Many (not all) Native Americans are proud to be U.S. citizens, enjoy this country’s freedoms, and are honored to serve in our armed forces.

Bunches of tribes celebrate July 4 in a big way. There’s some mixed history to the celebrations there, but the fireworks still fly and the barbecues are still sizzling down on the rez.

Mescalero Apaches Honor Their Marine

Yesterday I went to see the Independence Day ceremonial dances on the Mescalero Apache reservation.

A young Marine was being honored that afternoon: Private First Class Colorado Mangas. They way the Apache figure it, he's serving to protect them, his community.

Private Mangas is a direct descendant of Apache war chief Mangas Colorado, who gave the Mexican and U.S. armies hell for decades. Old Mangas was killed by the U.S. Army in the end – after being tortured.

You never saw a Marine stand taller, prouder than Private Mangas in his dress uniform, dancing and shaking his rattle, waving his eagle-feather fan. He is a Marine's Marine and an Apache's Apache.

In the Honor Dance, lines of men and women danced alongside and behind Private Mangas, saying to the world, “I stand with this man. His service does us proud.” It was more touching than any braggy goddamned speech I’ve ever heard.

Behind the dancers, Old Glory waved high on the flagpole.

Vanholio’s Independence Day Lesson?

Shit, I don’t know. The real history of this country is pretty bloody, cruel, and mixed up. Our present is a goddamned mess. But maybe that’s always true for Man the so-called Wise, wherever we are.

And it’s been much worse in other times and places.

And anyway, we’re all in this together. So maybe it’s best to appreciate what we got here in the USA and try to love and help one another.

And let’s not let one election get us at each other’s throats too much.

And maybe patriotism, like love, is fucking messy. At least if you think once in a while.

And that’s as much July 4th sunshine as Vanholio’s going to blow up your ass.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Will Tonight's Election Results Be Good or Bad?
Fuck the 2016 Presidential Debates
6 Great US Presidents and Their Crimes Against Humanity (Cracked)

Read More »

How Much Does Living in a Van Cost?

Fuck it. You’re ready to live in a van down by the river. But how much does van life really cost? Here’s a breakdown of Vanholio’s real-life monthly budget as a full-time vandweller.

Bare-Bones Monthly Budget

My basic monthly expenses are $821 (Line Item 16). Yes, you read that right – about $800. That ain’t even that extreme. Lots of vandwellers run a van life on that kind of money, some for even less than $600 per month (see below).

2. Auto, Gas & Maintenance – I come up with this figure using AAA’s 2016 “Your Driving Costs” brochure. Vanholio has a minivan, so I used the large sedan numbers. My total yearly estimated cost is for 10,000 miles, divided back down to a monthly figure. ‘Course, this don’t figure eventual replacement cost of my rig.

3. Auto, Insurance – This is for full coverage under GEICO. Besides being older than 25 and having a good driving record, Vanholio set up his official residency in a cheap ZIP code. Why the fuck pay more? I live everywhere, so I can live anywhere, so far as The Man knows. Compare costs at “Average Car Insurance Rates by Neighborhood” on the Carinsurance.com website.

9. Groceries / Household – This is a bit high but not crazy. First off, Vanholio is a big man. He also likes to eat out once in awhile, gets drinks and snacks at convenience stores, and indulges in a few luxuries. I could be more frugal, but fuck it. Also, this line item includes my OTC drugs, laundry soap, grooming items, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, and dog food – basically all that shit I get at a grocery store. Don’t have any fucking idea what you spend on food? Start guesstimating using Official USDA Food Plans price data.

10. Internet / Phone – $20 is pretty goddamn amazing, huh!? It’s actually a bit less, but I have a buffer for equipment replacement. I spend $11.20 per month for a Page Plus flip phone on the $12 plan, but I get a little discount for automatic payments. For internet, I got one of those flashed MiFis off Ebay that give you unlimited 3G Verizon wireless for $5 a month (Google ‘em!).

Best Money-Management!

12. Mail Service / Shipping – I’ve got Traveling Mailbox for mail, which scans in my mail for me to read online or forwards it, if I need the piece. I pay $20 per month for a premium address. I factored in another $10 for other shipping expenses that come up.

13. Medical, Out-of-Pocket – Vanholio is living under the minimum for expanded Medicar, $16, 394, so his medical insurance and deductibles are pretty cheap.

17. Federal Income Tax / FICA – It’s one thing to budget spending, but I also needed to figure out how much I need to earn before Uncle Sam gets his cut. Otherwise, I’d be short. It takes $899 in gross earnings to have $821 left in my check. SmartAsset.com’s tax estimator does all the crazy math. Play with it. My figures are based on no state or local income tax, income from a job vs. self-employment, and just one deduction (myself).

Advanced Monthly Budget

You need money for extras and emergencies. Plus, you need to save for the future. So this budget works all that in. And again, it figures what I need to earn gross before the taxman takes a cut.

17. Cushion, 20% – I added 20% to my basic monthly expenses for fun, replacing things, gifts, the unexpected, etc.

18. Savings, 30% – Looking around the ‘net, most personal finance experts recommend you save 30% of your income for “retirement.” Don’t know that I’ll retire as I’m halfway outta the game already, but I figure saving and investing at a decent rate is just smart. At the least, I gotta replace the rig someday and need cash saved up in case I’m unemployed, by choice or not. Plus, I figure I can eventually live off investments instead of work. And I won’t need to worry about what the fuck happens to Social Security!

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

• Your Money or Your Life (Book)
• Homepage with sample budgets (CheapRVLiving.com)
• “Living in a Van - What is the Monthly Cost?” (AClarino YouTube.com)
• Vanholio’s 21 Alternative Food Sources

Read More »